guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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