I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
