he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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