There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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