I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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