There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
