My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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