lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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