I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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