How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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