I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
