I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
