Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
