I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
