I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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