Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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