I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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