I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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