Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
