i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
