Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
