My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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