He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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