I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You left your phone here
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