I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
