last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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