last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
