There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
