I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
