why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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