i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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