Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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