ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
