I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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