I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
