The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Everclear isn't food dammit
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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