paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
