I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
