At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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