Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
