Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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