Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize