I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize