I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's never too late to be topless.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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