Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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