I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
