8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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