we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
