I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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