Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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