she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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