I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So much rum. So many feels.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
