I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He felt like a one man threesome
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
