i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
