GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
